Tuesday, December 9, 2014

2014 MartyMuzik


Packed crowd of songs, and some of the more mainstream: Kongos, Vampire Weekend, etc ... well got booted !  Too much hard core, soft listening and techno jammed into one format - ah well, welcome back to MartyMuzik !

skipping over to song 3, "Algiers", is Cincinnati's own Afghan Whigs, I'm reminded of why vinyl and cd's are so fun man, its ... the cover art
i mean if these old fucks can still have us cringe by thinking about this cover for 'do the beast' you'll like the music intrigue even more

The alt rock contemporary Wolf Alice will rock you out hard, with some hints of pixies meets sleater kinney ... and perhaps cherry blossom finish.  female vocals just hit the spot
Wolf Alice (N. London)

the backdrop to newly outed lead, from Against Me!, Laura Jane Grace (who began life as Thomas James Gabrial) reminds us that when switch hitting, it is important to change all three of your names to avoid any confusion.  That being said, you're in for being sucked in like a straight man in Castro, with Transgender Dysphoria Blues (i'll save you looking it up, dysphoria is a 'general state of malaise, or uneasiness") ... understandable

The brother and sister duo Taking you on a Big Jet Plane is from Australia, 

Angus & Julia Stone

Song 10, Intro ~ is a fitting point to not-flip over your CD, he-he, thinking about the vinyl days.  Nope, you wouldn't get 20 songs on a single one.
Anyway, don't flip over your CD, you are simply entering the 'techno', more synthesized sound for a few songs ... its ok, it will soothe you and be reminiscent of many eras of music past, really its ok to feel the synth

I'd tell you more about Zhu, if they didn't choose to remain completely anonymous, and be judged only by their music.  Bold move, hope the royalties find their way to you :-)

Rochester, NY's Joywave is represented on two tracks (#1 Dangerous, as a collaborator, and #13 Tongues

If you are still not hip to Jack White (former, White Stripes) and have just returned from Mars, you need to see him on Lazzaretto in this video

if not for the guitar picking, or the slight resemblence to Johnny Depp, then for the very cool paisley suit.

And finishing with Ha Ha Tonka, what the hell kind of name is that ?!?... from West Plains, Missouri, these guys are like Dylan meets the Meat Puppets or something ... so smooth, its like butter

Just love the lyrics, because we all can't keep learning the same lessons over again. Fuckin' Missouri, right !?

Can I get an 'Amen'?


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Celery superfood

Growing up my mom would put cream cheese on celery, later I heard about peanut butter on celery ... and both of these so-called snacks, not only put a wad of bad fats in my mouth, but they damn near gag me to eat them.
But I crave celery.
So I searched the web to find out what this vegetable has, that I need ... and I did (find out):

  1. Celery combats inflammation.   I battle inflammation all the time, from food, from alcohol, from working out ... it seems I'm pin-cushion material, maybe pop a naproxen and get it to chill ... but who wants to take drugs if a food can help out.
  2. Celery is like crunchy water.   There is a high water content to celery, so it fills you up, but also hydrates you.
  3. Celery has many essential salts
  4. Celery is rich in flavonoids  (yes anti-cancer stuff, skip the glass of wine!)
  5. Celery has lots of vitamin K, helps your bones
The list goes on, check out these two sites. for more info:

So I set out to create some great celery salad, modified a recipe I found online and voila !  So happy to eat this salad I nearly wept, it was all-at-once, crunchy, salty, nutty, spicy, sour and felt very much a cross between Vietnamese and Thai, really, so here goes:

Thai Celery Salad

5 Stalks Celery, sliced on the bias (angle your knife sharply when cutting, while spinning the celery)
3 Green Onions, sliced thinly
3 tbs Red onion, sliced thinly, then chopped
1/2 Serrano Chile, sliced thingly
1/4 Cup Cilantro, chopped (stems and leaves)
3 tbs peanuts, halved
1 tbs sesame seeds
Salt and Pepper
2 tbs fresh lime juice
1 tsp sesame oil
2 tsp fish sauce

Whisk together sauce ingredients with a fork.   Make sure the serrano is sliced very thin, and even then cut those in half so the heat is dispersed a bit.

Pour the sauce over the salad, and toss, then plate.

Note:  I sprinkle the sesame seeds and peanuts on each individual plate, just a little goes a long way with the peanuts.  Remember, this dish is all about the celery !


Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Vegan Asian Salad

Asian Salad packs a crunch ! Yum!

I always likes the Wonton Chicken Salad at SoupPlantation/Sweet Tomatoes.  Perhaps it was the thought that "protein" could happen, if I could get some of that sweet, tasty chicken meat.  Maybe it was the cheap side of me thinking, wow, I can get meat at this salad emporium, cool!

Well those days are behind me, having joined the vegan revolution of health and well-being, and I'm still hankering for that sweet/sour crunch, nutty goodness. I found a vegan recipe online, modified it a bit, and made it my own.

I don't even miss the deep fried wontons!

Vegan Asian Salad
Servings: 6

1/2 Head Chinese cabbage, sliced thin
1/2 head romaine lettuce, chopped
1 cup red cabbage, sliced thin
1/2 whole red pepper, sliced
1 cup english cucumber, sliced
1 1/4 cups carrot, shredded
2 whole green onions, sliced
1/2 cup snap peas, halved
2 tablespoons cilantro, chopped
2 tablespoons slivered almonds, roasted
2 tablespoons sesame seeds, roasted
1/3 cup rice wine vinegar
3 tablespoons natural peanut butter
1 tablespoon maple syrup
2 teaspoons sesame oil
1 tablespoon grated ginger root
1 teaspoon siracha
1 pinch sea salt

Mix ingredients for dressing: vinegar, peanut putter, maple syrup, sesame oil, ginger root, siracha and salt until fairly
smooth, set aside for flavors to meld.

Combine sesame seeds and almonds in small pan, heat until some become slightly browned. Set aside.

Mix all vegetables in big salad bowl, toss.
I put the salad in a bowl (individual) and gently spoon dressing on in appropriate amounts (noone likes over sauced chinese salad, so don't dump it all in), I mix the individual portion,
then top with Sesame and Almond slivers, give one more stir to incorporate.
Drizzle a bit more dressing on top, in spatter pattern.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Buckwheat fritter w/ Mushroom Gravy

Buckwheat - a work in progress

I got the wild idea that a gluten-free flour needs to come under my mastery. Dammit.
The one that popped into my head; grey, dense, really a non-riser was ~

I've tried many times to make a morning buckwheat pancake. They always taste the same:
yuck, ancient grainy-sawdusty-cant-put-enough-syrup-on-this-to-choke-it-down-yuk.

I like a challenge.

So I'm thinking, break that density up with vegetables that have some carmilized brown on them, and put it in the batter, then cover it with mushroom gravy.

So basically for the mushroom gravy, you can find Mushroom Broth (near the Chicken and Vegetable broth), mince 1/4 cup of onion, slice up 1/2 cup Cremini mushrooms, add a dash of wine, salt+pepper, I put some almond milk (like a tablespoon, for color), reduce and at the end thickened it with a teaspoon or two of cornstarch and a little water.

While that's simmering, slice 1/2 a zuchini, thinly. Cut the bottom off an ear of corn and microwave in-the-husk, for 3 1/2 minutes.   Squeeze from the tassle end, and out pops your ear (or use canned corn, drained).   I added some yellow pepper, and a few Crimini mushrooms too.

Saute those sliced vegetables. Mix the buckwheat with flour and almond milk until the right consistency add some sweetener (agave, or sugar), 1 tbls of cornstarch and 1 tbls of baking power (dammit, didn't have the baking powder this time. They were F-L-A-T, and got no rise out of me either)

Center the batter in a hot pan (sprayed with some cooking spray), cook and keep watch; you want to add the vegetable before the pancake sets up completely, but the bottom side is cooked.

Press the veggies into the batter a bit, then you can put a lid on (for about 15-30 secs), before flipping.   Remove lid, and flip.
Let cook a few minutes more, cover if you like. Then flip onto a plate (veggie side up!).

Spoon mushroom gravy over and server.

So how was it?   eh.   The flavor of the other stuff was great, the veggies, the corn with a bit of caramelization, the mushroom gravy fantastic.

The buckwheat needs help.    Maybe it was the non-stick pan, ick.  Nothing better than the iron skillet for this. Maybe its the lightness on oil, of which I'm trying to be very light-to-non-existent. Likely it was the lack of a rising agent (baking powder or yeast).  Probably a combination of all of the above.

Conceptually this can work, I don't know if the "pancake" is the right format, and I will think about other ways to present the batter part (and crisp it up a bit, thru likely some time in the oven), I just don't want loaves or muffins or some-such thing.

I'm thinking thin the heck out if, get it to crepe up, and roll it.  May play with that, buckwheat crepes a bit.

Anyway, that's it for the Buckwheat Pancake Fritter ... to be continued.   Humphhhh.,  buckwheat wins again.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Let's go Buffalo (Wings)

I can't remember exactly how many $.10 cent wings I would down, at the Inn Between in my college town of Geneseo, NY on Tues. (or was it Thurs.), I do know that if I got 'hot' or 'suicidal', the pitchers of beer were hardly enough to douse the flames of eternal buffalo wing love ...   I would down them until it hurt, something like $2.00 worth (20) comes to mind.

Many years later (lets call it shy of 30, wow slash ouch) I'm reticent to discuss the effect that amount of deep fried chicken skin and fat, has on my digestive system.   Not because I wouldn't like to, or because I pull punches when talking about the more unsavory aspects of my gastrointestinal tract ... its because I'm going meat-free lately and looking for better options.

Enter Frank's Hot Sauce ...

I could put this on a piece of tree branch, and chew on.  Seriously, wear gloves lest you find yourself gnawing on your own finger, thinking "hmm, this doesn't taste too bad, with some Frank's".

Here's a recipe I found online, for Buffalo Cauliflower "Wings" that came out really good!

Are you ready for some football?   Find some celery, and bleu cheese and a friend that likes spice ... and enjoy!

Buffalo Cauliflower Wings

Cauliflower - 1 large head, pieces fairly large (1+ inches)
Milk - 1 cup
Flour - 1/2 cup
Panko Bread Crumbs - 1/4 cup
Garlic powder - 1 tbs
Black pepper - 1 teasp.

Franks Hot sauce and 1 tbs melted butter in a bowl (to toss)


Preheat oven to 425 deg
Cut Cauliflower into large flowerets (1-2")
Combine milk, flour, bread crumbs, garlic powder and pepper in bowl
(note:  add milk slowly, and stop when the batter seems about pancake batter consistency, you don't want it too thin.  If less than a cup, then that's ok.)

Dredge Cauliflower pieces in batter and place them on a foil-lined cookie sheet (important, it'll stick)

Bake for 18 min. turning once.

Meanwhile, combine butter and Frank's in a large bowl  (I melt the butter in microwave)

Coat cauliflower in sauce, and bake 2-3 more minutes to set the sauce (I like it wet, so don't dry them out by baking too long, after tossing in the sauce)

Serve with Blue Cheese dressing (Marie's) and Celery sticks.

I like them wet and glistening with Frank's and Butter, Yum!

Friday, September 5, 2014

Take care of yourself

... because no well else will."

end-quote, who says this?  Who does this?   Everyone. Noone.

What does it mean, though?  To take care of yourself.

Let's state with what it isn't:
  1. Its not:  Putting others first
    Ouch!   That hits the 'givers' right in the loin chops.  This is a weird paradox, to be sure.  Leads to Martyr Syndrome.
  2. Its not:  Partying until you puke
    Ouch!   Food, drink slovenly, stupor.   Minimialist, easing your digestion and keeping the chemical balances from food and drink, so your brain and body feel ok.
  3. Its not:  Doing nothing
    Ouch!   Relaxing, lazy-boy, lounging, sleeping more.   It's about restoring vitality to your soul, through movement.
So I guess I've inter strewn some positive reinforcement in saying what taking care of yourself is not, from my perspective.

Negative mirrors reflect truths.   Changes, revealed ... easier.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

One right form, for the Story

So I posted a quote, which I read from Betsy Lerner's "The Forest for the Trees" book, an editor's Advice to Writers which reads

There is only one right form for a story, and if you fail to find that form the story will not tell itself.

Not knowing what that means, or even having an inkling, I write this up on my whiteboard to ponder, become my own muse and contemplate what my answer to this would be.   I'm a hack of a writer.  I have no idea what "form" means for a story, 1st person, 3rd person, poem or prose ... I'm clueless, so I figure I need to have some time to mull over the possibilities.

One day, I walk in, after my cleaning girl (my daughter, Grace) has finished cleaning, apparently she has inspiration to fill in the answer, and fills the rest of the board with this:

"I think of every life as a story and one author, God.   Each day, year, week, hour, minute and second we learn what's right and what's wrong. Each page that you're turning is supposed to be the BEST and each minute you are in the story all about you.    Make it about others, too. "

So a tear came, as I thought how profound this girl of 9 is.  The right form for the story is self relative, but also includes others.   It's told from the perspective of our creator who watches down on us, and we self-regulate our actions, learning right and wrong as we go.

It seems from this explanation, writing can commence.  Sure there'll be blunders in grammer, syntax and the like, but the right form for the story... the right perspective and voice has been found.

I love you Grace.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Peaking at the right time

reach a highest point, either of a specified value or at a specified time

Some of us are late bloomers. In our own way of dancing this mess around, we've been to the party, been to the edge, been over the top and still never really peaked.

I can't say what is the 'problem' quote, un-quote with others, and really if I'm honest, can't really diagnose what my own problem(s) have been.

But I do know, that my friend Tom Ustach, told me once "You were an athlete, you'll figure it out".

I drank another beer, and thought about it.   Thought about my troubles, with weight, alcohol, drugs, anger, and all of those things that hold me back from attaining real success.

So I've been enlightened to the answers, ignored them, scoffed at the possibility, hid, ignored and otherwise just tried to put aside the truths lying there, ready for me to pick up and utilize.

So I go all the way back, to when I had a goal.   One goal, based on love and loss, was to clean up and find a way back into the life of the girlfriend in college I had lost, due to some of the afformentioned problems.

But on circumspection, that was not the case ~  what "really happened", is I had not "cleaned up", over the summer of 1982, but rather, smoked, drank, and didn't eat (and jogged 5 miles a night) to a svelt 195 lbs, had a motorcycle and imploded the relationship, due to my ego.

That's right, I peaked too early, and supernova'd my first love into non-existence. Ouch.

Like a sick puppy, I tried to prove I was that clean guy, that this anger, and physical outburst was an aberration of my true self, when sadly, nothing I could muster about being "that guy", rang true.  It was as transparent as saran wrap, the likes of which I would likely have suffocated myself by wrapping it around my head.

I had suicidal thoughts, after this breakup, I had my whole life ahead, yet was devastated, maybe from the loss, maybe from my father leaving, maybe that love itself was an illusion.

As I thought about how one would secure a rope on the Geneseo pagoda, that was above the student union, I snapped my head out of this (as a coward, that I am), to hear the Devo song, "Its a beautiful world" in my head.
Music saved the day, I lived to party once more, and fuck this I'm on a mission, to enjoy life.

And enjoy I did, to excess more than not, too much wine, women, song, smoke and anything I wanted ... my mantra "Nothing is out of bounds" (save Heroin, wimp that I am, needles and physical addiction seemed too much even for me), but anything else, was fair game.

Flash to 30 years later, with a beautiful wife, four beautiful and smart children, great income, real estate, and everything my anger and drive could muster, I have it all, except for that missing quotient. Love.

Yes, I have people who express love for me, yes my children need me ... that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that stirring in the soul that is reserved for only the most intimate encounter, that of self.

I watched a show yesterday, that Johnny Carson, would like to be alone, kind of a loner, and made use of that time, to which I thought - "Yes!", that's exactly correct.  I never had a problem being alone, I had problems understanding other people in this quest for love experience, love action ... I didn't see it.  Songs like "Where is the Love", come to mind in almost every human encounter ... it hurts to see.

Then I hold the "Man in the MIrror" Michael Jackson up to my own sad self, and look at the mess I've created and again, where is the love?  Self-love.

So its time, to peak.     I've peaked so soon, felt so highly of myself, that I almost supernova'd out.  You know the type, the Robin Williams, the Phillip Seymour Hoffmans ... its not that these people had deep problems, its that they had such peaking ability there wasn't realistic limits or peers to relate to.  Everything was a compromise, everything is diluted in the world of those that peak so early and so often.  (you can only handle so many "atta boys" before you want to punch that complimenter right in the face, for not feeling or treating you like a person, not a superstar).   So I get this, loners, can be depressed.  Its called the human condition, that's the source of most depression.   Nature, is very hard to be depressed at, its too awe inspiring, mountains, insects, fruits, the form of a woman's body ... these things are nature's blessings.

Its the uglier side that gets to you, but I digress.    This is about peaking at the right time.

At (over 50), without all the accolades, no trophies to speak of, no real proven things (the children are small, and just emerging), with some of the wealth being in the category of "a little success is a dangerous thing", ie; you don't try any harder because, enough is there already ... 

It's time to peak. 

In twenty or thirty years, I see the decline of the body is such that you are really done.   So forgetting the previous thirty, and looking to the next thirty ... the slow methodical peaking process has to be model'ed perhaps after the runner-athlete.

Phase 1 - start out slow, and steady with base training.  This has been going on, I've stabilized my life to the point where the "base" is not quaking and shaking out from underneath me.  Its hard to rock the world-Mazurik. We've been there, done that, what's next, we're ready.  This phase of getting mental, muscle and spiritual things aligned in my life to make them strong enough to endure the further stresses involved in peaking require me to:
- stop drinking (and smoking)
- eliminate meat from my diet
- eliminate sugar and white flour from my diet
- move daily
- drop the first 25% of the weight gain, immediately. Move through the next 75% in the coming year, to goal.

Phase 2 -  Aerobic, this is the sweating part.    "Never let them see you sweat", but you must sweat!   The skin is the biggest organ, and it will relieve your liver (as will the things in phase 1) to help it do its job.  Sweating will remove toxins so the liver works less hard at that, and can help with the fat conversion as you lose weight.
This is the 1 hour of physical activity to sweat.

Phase 3 - AnAerobic, high intensity interval - weight training.  This will help the muscles clean out the gunk, help get more burn and build strength.

From a physical and mental aspect, of peaking at 52 or so, it will be good to get all the "stars aligned", from ego, to self-love, to physical conditioning.   Peaking and then maintaining.

What comes after, is apparent, and inevitable ... the decline ... but having lived the life fantastic, and undisciplined, it is time to get the handle on the concept of peaking.

Trying to hold onto the peak condition can lead to injury, burn-out or overtraining.  The plan is that the instilled life changes will help, reduce the pain through the aging process and allow for a better interaction with those around, it starts with self-love.

There will be a downhill slide, but getting muscles and body in tune for this ride, and having pride and love of self will assure this ride is the best it can be.

And that I peaked at the right time.

Monday, August 25, 2014


Where to draw the inspiration, for change.   Change is inevitable, is quoted, incorrectly ... no its not.  Nothing is inevitable, save maybe death; oh, and taxes.

Newton's classical laws of mechanics summarized:  bodies at rest, stay at rest.  Bodies in motion, stay in motion except if either is acted upon by some external force.

Life force, the energy that one possesses to be alive on this planet is no different.   Robin Williams, acted upon by an equal and opposite force by a belt, lost the ability to breath.  Life force gone.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman, acted upon by lethal injection forces of potent drugs, lost the ability to have his heart pump and breath. Life force gone.

Likewise, I think the barcalounger, in its comfortable La-z-boy way, lets us quietly sit back, relax and enjoy the show ... body at rest, remaining at rest, getting out of shape and eventually getting to the place where life force again, can be gone.

Changes are brewing for me, I saw the energy of ant like creatures this weekend
at Hood to Coast, quite accidental I decided to go to Seaside ... almost serendipity,
as I was so intrigued that I finally triggered in me the need to change.

So it was inspiration, to get some persperation, to lose the weight I've been carrying far too long.

Its 132 miles, and I plan a pound per mile be gone this year.  Next year, I'm walking strong in this thing, and I need to completely focus on the change ahead of me.

This body needs to be in motion.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Depressed? Who me?

"...at least in my life I can go the heights, and go to the depths.  That's a good life."  ~ Angelica Huston

So much is made about depression. The mind taking people down.
I found myself, almost letting the word become part of my vernacular, 10 or 15 years ago and I'm sure I was exhibiting aspects of depression at times.  I'd be glum, angry, sleep and not want to get out of bed.
I'd blame people, see the world as hopeless and think about exiting this world, ... stage left.

But what if, that is all normal.   That's what I've learned about my own way of dealing with ... well, life.

I've come to face the fact that it isn't all a bed of roses, whatever that means.   Or like the song from the 70's,  Lynn Anderson belts out "I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden", as a kid I remember thinking it odd, that someone would glamorize the fact that life may suck sometimes, and oh, it may be me making your life suck.   Of course, I had real life role models raising me who would show me the highs and lows of life, firsthand, so I got it, just thought it bold to sing about it so openly.

Maybe that's the problem these days, no one wants to sing about it openly, let alone talk about it or deal with the unsavory, glass half emptiness that occurs on a regular basis.   We social network the good times in words and photos, to have an empty victory post (and followers to 'like' us), or gulp down some depressants in the liquid form of beer, wine or harder, pop a few capsule form anti-depressants or just stay in bed and avoid the "chaos".  Americans!  We don't know the first thing about chaos, or depression.

We're like little kids who have had our candy lollipop taken away if our life experience isn't awesome every moment.   We need the thrill of acquiring more in our consumer ridden lives, better this and newer that to chase some feeling that elusively escapes us.  We feign national pride every couple of years when the Olympics come around or switch to World Cup arousal for no apparent reason, none of us really like soccer.   Anything to keep the high, and avoid the low.

What would happen if Americans were exposed to life near the Gaza strip, being bombarded daily with sirens bombs, friends and relatives being killed, haters coming after you daily?  What kind of depression would ensue if you were Ukrainian facing the prospect of folding back into old world Russian dictatorship and loss of all the liberties that were so hard fought to win?

We can't as Americans grasp the meaning of true depressing thoughts, so we invent them.   We quarrel and squabble with our spouses, our neighbors, our families, our pets.  We get depressed if things don't go perfectly in our mini snow-globe world, trying each and every one of us to live in Potterville, well wake up! It isn't a wonderful life, the concept of people doing an about face and you're going to fall into it and live happily ever after from some outside miracle is bunk.  That isn't to say miracles don't happen they do.  And it is a wonderful life, its just people rarely change their stripes, like Mr. Potter did, so don't count on it happening.

Only YOU can make arrangements in your own head to make life tolerable, bearable and worth living.   That's the crux of it, making it worth living, this life and doing the mental organization is tough work.  Its hard to think, plan, motivate, look past set-backs and have goals.  Most people give up on them, hate themselves and paint themselves as failures, or worse ... reach some modicum of success and then say, "good enough".

But that is a recipe for disaster.   A little bit of success is a dangerous thing, it lends itself to having false pride and stagnation, and causes you not to reach for anything else.  You see in life, the journey is what its about, and that journey is paved with potholes, road outages, floods, fires, tornados, earthquakes and sometimes, if you're prepared enough (notice I didn't say "lucky" because I don't believe in luck, you make your own) you will sail.

Sailing down the road, warp speed, unfettered is the rite of those who master their own domains.  Seinfeld put a different spin, that wreaked of masterbatory inuendo, but I felt mastery of ones domain, or maybe dominion is about figuring out what your strengths are, and where they lie.

For me, my strength is knowing the Lord, my strength is having a cooperative loving family and my strength is in my preparation, planning and follow through.

I haven't always recognized this, but have come to, that the Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want (for anything), and attending a Church called Abundant Life, rings true the bounty and blessings that I'm afforded in this world, which are too numerous to mention.  Truly blessed is the life I live.

My family, a source of constant consternation (in a good way), keeps me on my toes, on guard and trying to stay one step ahead in the learning (teaching) aspects of parenting.   I so look for the teaching moments, instead of what's wrong with my family. Does it break me, yes, occasionally, I'm human. But I love my family for their perseverance, reverence and obedience.  They are a reason to never be depressed, actually, and perhaps because loneliness is sometimes coupled with depression, I will talk about that a little bit later in this post.  My point, I'm never lonely around my family, my loved ones.

Preparation and follow-through.   I never glommed onto much in Cub Scouts or Boy Scouts, but I do remember their motto "Be Prepared" ( a good idea if camping out in the woods ), but also a good idea in life.  I never was good at chess, but I know to be good at chess, you have to anticipate your opponents moves and think your moves a couple, if not several, moves in advance.

Life is like chess.  There isn't necessarily causality in the one thing you do, but more like a pebble rippling into a very calm water, the ripples of what you do reverberate outword, sending energies into your world in beautiful sine waves.  Thinking and preparing for what is next is really important, lest you have those ripples become tsunami's or have the pebbles be so many, that the ripples run into each other, dampening or causing harmonic distortion, in effect leveling out and nullifying your very intent.

To think ahead, is to be ahead.   I've always been a fan of a 1 year plan, a 2-5 year plan, and even thinking 10 years out.  Then I found myself, achieving all I wanted in my 5 year plan (in two years) and being stymied by how awesome this planning thing is, I was almost scared to do more of it.

Scared of your own success and awesomeness, is a contributing factor, to the malaise in owns own life, that can lead to depression.   If you think you can't catch a break, its because you haven't made your own breaks happen.   Harken's to the saying "If you think you can, or you think you can't, you're probably right".  Genius, saying if you ask me.

It's all in your mind.

But let's get back to loneliness as a contributing factor.   Yes, it is harder to be alone, with yourself, than one can possibly imagine it should be.   Only then are you facing your own "El Guapo's"  (in the Movie: The Three Amigos,  El Guapo is a sinister being, that raids the villages, terrorizes the people, rapes, pillages and plunders), the classic line in the movie : "In a way, we all have our own El Guapo's to face. For some shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us".

So its in these moments of silence, and alone time, that one has to face their own personal El Guapo(s).  I went to anger management class, after some rougher argumentative battles on the marriage front, and it struck me when the counselor said the end of the anger cycle is death.   That vocalizing and verbal abuse, leads to physical abuse, leads to "red outs" (like "black outs"), leads to physical harm, leads to death.
O.k., I'm not wanting to be angry, thank your for the lesson.   It worked, for me, to know this road leads to nowhere.  I still battle being angry, but will not up the ante, anymore, its a losing proposition.

I think the same about depression.   Where I differ from psycho analysis or medical establishments, is that they believe it isn't something that one can control, without therapy and / or drugs.  I think we can.

Like anger, I think the end path of severe depression is death (suicide).  So just like anger, I think it is incumbent on us to control depression.  How?

Well, laying off booze and pills, will keep chemical imbalances of the brain in check.   Eating healthy, organic foods, getting plenty of rest and exercise, helps.   The brain is a chemical driven motor, so these things will all help the chemical imbalances. But moreover, there is "thought power".

Let you, be you.  This is my first thought.  You're ok, if you're down.  If its overcast, you don't feel like going to work, or whatever "mood" you happen to be in, it doesn't necessarily have to be depressing.  Live in the feeling of the moment, let it wash over you, get it out of your system, and MOVE ON.

Every day is a gift, so letting yourself move through these moments, and looking forward to something else is important so as Tony Robbins would say, "change your modality".

I love Tony Robbins saying we are all listening to the same broken record (or same tape) over and over in our mind.  Ugh!  Don't you get bored with that same old schtick!?!   He says, change your modality and change your life.  What does that mean?

Snap out of it!   Tony, actually slapped someone in the face, who said "Why did you do that?", Tony said because I wanted to change your modality, your "way of thinking".

I think we all need a sharp slap-in-the-face from time and again, or as my old man would say "A swift kick in the pants".   Either changes your modality, what's wrong with our society on this issue?

"Kid gloves".   yes, everyone has been taught to "be nice", "play nice", "don't upset the apple-cart", no hitting, no spanking, no modality changes whatsoever, so people are free to have their "thoughts" run wild in their head.

We've created ourselves as "brats", and then we wonder why we have issues with our own self-satisfaction, and why we're depressed.

Some of it has to do with "the others".   If we weren't in our own heads, wondering why we're not happy all the time, and started doing kind things for others (and sometimes the kindest thing you can do for an other, is to give 'tough love' truths to them, or give them that swift kick in the pants to get them out of their rut), but if we stopped worrying, and fretting and causing anxiety about what is wrong with our lives,
and started working on bettering the lives of those around us,
you would find,
a) meaning in your life
b) pride and accomplishment in your works
c) your time is used for purposes, not anti-purposes (thinking of ourselves all the time)

And you just might find, in that the Lord, in the world working through you in ways that put depressing thoughts in the rear-view mirror, and you living the purposeful life you always dreamed.

God bless.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The Universal Law of Uncertainty

Heisenberg discovered something at the particle level with regard to uncertainty.
He was trying to measure, either position or momentum, or both
and came upon it.

What the principle says is that we cannot measure the position,
and momentum of a particle with absolute precision.

The more we know one measure, say 'position', the less accurately
we know the other: 'momentum'.  Conversely, the more we know about momentum
and implying for a moment, direction, the less we know about position.

Where are you?  Where are you going, and how fast?
How will you know when you get there?
Will you collide? With who? When?
Will there be a spark?

I find humans are certainly uncertain.

Uncertain of any position,
lost all momentum.

Picking up by bootstraps,
towards a foggy notion of direction and destination.

traveling blithely through life

singing Soul Coughing, "I knew the gas was gone,
but I had to rev the motor"

Picking up speed,
not knowing any GPS whereabouts,
No position, on anything

floating past random particles,
not necessarily colliding
nor near missing

just an uncertain particle orb

soon to fade away

Monday, March 31, 2014

Bring on the Summer

It's that time of year
where tension, of old growth
sprouts buds
and flowers

seasons rotate, favorites pass
schedules get adjusted

noshing interrupts the pagan ritual dance "slash"
money-death march,
heartfelt, longing
#hashtag :


drummin' to the rhythm
of the musical beat

bring on the summer

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Sasquatch hunting

What is it that causes people to drift
If you are interested, they're not
if you feign interest,
you get inside their head far enough, too far
its all messed up
every time

The thing you seek,
yet missing in you
brief and fleeting
as mythical, and unseen as
sasquatch itself

Knowledge and intimacy, no
you get only mystery
and conclusions

shocked at the neanderthal
nature inside of us and others
we grow older and immune to
the spectacle

Blurred, costumed and Enquirer-worthy,
sound-bites, and masks,
if not complete
costumes are all we see

We didn't want to find the stinky reclusive
in the first place

who can
make friends, with the darkness
the fear, is too real
so we hide

so does it hide

Monday, January 13, 2014


Thirteen is the sixth prime number, reversed ("31") its the 10th prime number.  Its also in the Fibonacci series.

To me, its the year and date in January where I where I went to the edge, and there I stood and looked down.   I didn't correlate the event to the number 13 until the year was nearly over.
Damn glad, to be out of 2013.

I'm not superstitious mind you (although I read my horoscope, "Who doesn't?" right?), but I don't like to see black cats, and I don't break mirrors.  I have walked under ladders, thinking ... well this is just stupid.  Not that I did it, but that it qualifies as a superstition ... if you are going to have bad luck (like a hammer, or paint bucket falling on your head ... OF COURSE IT WOULD BE FROM WALKING UNDER A LADDER) that's fact not something spewing from the supernatural.

So it's the 13th today.  One year after 'my event' that sent me speeding, sirens blaring to the emergency room, to remove a blockage and insert a stent into my diseased body.  

It was great to have my life saved, and I thought if it weren't for the kind firemen and EMTs, and the crew that received me and the family that supported me it could have turned out different.  If I was miles away, in a ravine hunting deer, or climbing down by myself a coastal slope I mightn't have made it.

A brush with death, however scant and non-invasive, is still an eye-opener to what the rest of your life may become.   Each day takes on more significance, each message sent to your family a bit more resonant and direct.

This 13th, I'm moving forward with some more help for myself with some knee injections to help alleviate pain and promote synovial  fluid production.  I'm happy to be able to do this, and other things to promote a better, pain free life.

13 will still be a number I shy away from, and stigmatize for its poignancy in my life, but I think I will take the tact when encountering it from now on, to do something good for myself.

Saturday, January 4, 2014


Still, stillness
in the quiet of the morn'

Nothing, nothingness
vacated thoughts
percolating some distant emotion

There is only enough time
to think

in the stillness
I love you still